The Makings of a Man

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know I did. Class, I’ve come to a realization of things. There are times in which enlightenment will hit you in the most random of times. So without further a due, I’ll bring your lesson for today (or at least I’ll try, still high off of turkey [ Tryptophan] here).

Here in the United States, today is a special day: Black Friday. Black Friday is an unofficial holiday, celebrated on the day after Thanksgiving that marks the beginning of the Christmas holiday season. As many of you have heard on the news or online, many retailers open early (often 4am or even earlier) and offer promotional sales to kick-off the shopping season. Virtually every mall, outlet, retail store, etc is witnessing disruptive pedestrian and vehicle traffic in hopes of catching a bargain.

Now these bargains are great to an extent, however, the one issue I have with the Black Friday madness is that retailers only have a few big-draw items available for sale on the day after Turkey Day. So essentially, the promotions hype a shopper up, get their adrenaline going, only to have a crash feeling like how a Red Bull would hours after consumption. Injuries and deaths have also occurred in these human stampedes. All this over a few retail promotional deals. So being the “philosopher of life” that I am, I began to wonder how would things be if we applied the same energy and logic that we use on Black Friday in our personal relationships.

Now granted, I totally understand that Black Friday is about shopping. But hear me out; if we applied the same attention and energy for shopping, that we do in our relationships, we would be happier. For example, prior to Black Friday, you are working on your roadmap of retail stores you will go to. If it is a mall, you are probably drawing your plan of attack either in your head or on paper. When was the last time you have written anything to or about your significant other? When was the last time you have communicated with him/her? I’m not talking about a “what are we eating” or an “I’m just trying to get some sex” conversation. I mean a real, intimate, genuinely honest conversation. Face to face, no texting, BBM’ing or other forms of electronic communication. These advances of technology that help us “communicate” can also hurt the quality of that communication, especially in romantic relationships (I’ll have to discuss communication in another post).

But it strikes me as odd that a couple can stand in line for hours in hopes of getting a new 60” TV for under $2,000, but they can’t even talk about their love for one another for free-ninety-nine. There’s obviously something wrong if a female wants you to spend $129 or more on a new digital camera if she can’t pick up the phone to call and have a simple conversation with you. We live in a materialistic world. A world in which money and material possessions outweigh interpersonal relationships and no-holds barred communication.

I’m not here to judge your actions, but help improve your reactions. So while you are standing in those lines, or even shopping online….I want you to ask yourself: does your relationship have insufficient funds? Just like at your job, you have to work to receive your reward (paycheck), but have you really worked on your relationship lately? Or are you just going through the motions, waiting aimlessly for something (good or bad) to happen? For those in relationships, try to put the same effort you put in shopping into upgrading your relationship…after all, the return lines are longer the day after Christmas than the lines to purchase the products on Black Friday. In other words, the work you put into your relationships now will benefit you in the future, but it is up to you to control what happens in your relationship. Is your relationship like the true meaning of Christmas, or a glorified commercialized item that will be junk in less than two months?

Happy holidays and feel free to comment.

---Class Dismissed

Have you ever noticed that when the bell rings for recess every kid sprints to play on their favorite playground equipment? One kid goes to his locker and pulls out his brand new basketball. When he walks on the playground, every one of his classmates gravitates towards him and his new basketball. It’s almost like they forgot about the kickball or the monkey bars, and the slide is now a thing of the past, it’s time to play basketball.

Ever get the feeling that Black men are the same way with Latinas? They seem to drop Black women like an old kickball and move onto the new shiny thing they see. I think the short answer to the question, are Black men obsessed with Latinas is, yes. Speaking of myself personally, I don’t think I am. I find all types of women attractive. I’ve dated women from different parts of the world. I’ve personally said to my friends, “I really don’t think Black women like me.” I believe that people typically will date the people in their environment. And unless you want to toss it up every weekend, you're dating pool is Black women, Latinas, a couple of white women, and an occasional Asian chick.

I think that some Black men are obsessed with Latinas though. I think stereotypes about long (real) hair, and lighter skin do exist. People believe that having kids with Latinas will produce better looking kids. However, this surely goes both ways. I think that most men who are obsessed with Latinas for their looks will soon find out that they come in so many different forms, you’re likely to find that Latinas look just like Black women. I remember as a child I would just get so tickled at, “it was dry and straight, now it’s wet and curly!” I still find this amusing today over 20 years later. Nonetheless, it’s still a dumb reason to be obsessed with Latinas not all of them have curly hair.

I think that some Black men are obsessed with Latinas because of the language. Some people find Spanish, Italian or Portuguese to be romantic languages. But, this has nothing to do with Latinas, I think it’s just that it’s in a different language. If you were dating a girl who spoke Mandarin Chinese and she just went into a rant during coital activities, you would get turned on. I am not sure of the fascination with someone who has an accent, it can be sexy, but I think communication is important to me, it’s more important that I understand what you’re talking about. I’ve never been one to say, “Oh that’s so cute you can’t say 'museum'.” That just seems stupid to me.

I think that Black men perceive Latinas are more submissive. Black women and Latinas listen up, men always think things are greener on the other side. Black women need to own up to their street-cred though. Men of all races tend to believe that Black women have an attitude problem. A lot of men choose to date outside the race because they just can’t deal with that attitude. If you go back to that prior statement I made about Black women not liking me, it’s because to be honest with you, I’m not backing down. If you tell me something that I don’t agree with, I will not be suckered into a confession. Black people we have to be honest, we are confrontational people, we are in your face. Likewise, so are Latinas, women are women, they are all a little unstable, they all are a little too emotional, and they all want what they want.

I think that Black men think that Latinas are more catering to their men. This is just false. I’ll explain. Why do Latinas serve their men? Because that’s how they were raised. If you meet a Latina who was not raised to serve men, guess what happens? You're not getting a Corona until the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl. You can meet several Black women who were raised in homes where the boys were catered to and they will do the same thing. What you should do is check and see how she was raised before making a decision about who you want to date.

I’m getting ready to dive into a can of worms as I try to close this out. So do Black men put up with a Latina’s crap before they will a Black woman’s? This is a good point. If you will let a Latina do it to you, but you don’t let Black women do it, chances are, you have some type of issue. I have had to check myself before and be honest with myself, taking that pin out of her hair and her long black hair flowing all over her back while in the reverse cowboy position just isn’t worth it when she cusses me out right after. A lazy woman is a lazy woman is a useless woman. Having your “Latina” laid up in the house all the time, not doing anything, is not doing anything for you. I need to know that if I go to the trunk to get my .45, my Butter Pecan Puerto Rican (big ups to my 'uncle' Snoop, he was a fool for that line) is going to get the switch blade too. We have to work together.

So I put it all on the table, I’m interested to hear your thoughts. Do you think Black Men are obsessed with Latinas? I’d like to hear from Latinas on this one too.

Some people yearn to be married or love the commitment of a true relationship. They revel in having one person to share everything with, the responsibility of caring for another individual, and the inner joy of this “love” thing I hear about.

You also have a group that subscribes to the “player for life” mentality. Manogamy is a curse word to these people and offensive to the ears. They are having “fun” and looking for nothing more than good times and casual sex. The number of “conquests” is a bragging right, and they will quickly tell you about the one person who was good enough to actually get a repeat.

But what about the person in between these two. What about the person that doesn’t want the headache of a boyfriend or girlfriend, still wants someone to go out with and “sleep” with, and just has no desire of sleeping around like crazy. Well, the answer is …a friend-with-benefits.

This isn’t about the greatness of the FWB, this is to dispel some common misconceptions about this great “relationship derivative” created to fill a unique need in this new generation.

Friends With Benefits are not Cut  (or commonly known as "fuck") Buddies!

"Cut buddies" are people used for sex. You sleep with them, they leave, that's it. You don’t care about their mother, you don’t care about how their day was, and you don’t care about anything expect “are you coming over and do you have a way to get home before the morning!”

The friend-with-benefits is a thing of beauty. They are a friend. Someone you care about, talk to, and possibly have a history with. You can depend on them if your in trouble and they can call on you. They probably have loaned you money or helped you out with some trouble you had. There is a good chance you can call them to get their opinion on something, or just to see how their day was. The one thing that separates this friend from that old college buddy is that she/he helps fulfill a need that both of you suffer from; good sex.

The key to the term is "friend". With a cut-buddy, they aren’t your friend. They serve a purpose. Their like a car. You use it for a purpose. With a car, you might “love” it, and you take care of it, but you would trade it in if someone gave you enough money and you will get rid of it when it can’t provide any longer. This is the same as a cut-buddy, not something to be loved or cared about, but something to maintain as long as it does the job.

A friend-with-benefits is like a dog. You honestly love your dog. It's not the same love as a child or significant other, but its love. If your dog is hurt, you take care of it, and try and make its recovery as painless as possible. Its not just a thing, you love it.

Friends-with-benefits and cut-buddies are not the same and not to be mixed up. Please use these terms correctly, know what your getting into and what to expect. Don’t get caught looking stupid.

What is your favorite? Friends-with-benefits, cut-buddy, or a simple relationship?

Hypothetical conversation:

Girl #1 -“You and Tim been chilling hard for a minute … you two dating now?”
Girl #2 -“Hell naw girl … that's just my F-A-B!”
He is always around you. You talk late into the night. You’ve slept with him … as in the same bed … but he didn’t touch you. You have cried in his arms after the guy you were sleeping with dumped you. He has taken care of you when you were sick. He has picked you up when your “man” was tripping. He is one of your best friends.

One problem … he is hopelessly in love with you … and you don’t want to believe it. This is your FAB, aka Fake Ass Boyfriend.

What makes him a "fake ass boyfriend" though? Boyfriend? Its simple really.

Your FAB provides all of the benefits of a boyfriend … companionship, emotional support, paid dates and dinners, all that good stuff … but he gets none of the benefits. While I feel relationships benefit women more than men, there are some benefits for us (and not always sex) such as monogamy, emotional support and  well something … but the FAB gets none. In addition, your probably dating other guys that pale in comparison to this guy, and love to tell him all about it.

Yes, this poor excuse of a man is your FAB. You think he is your friend, your convinced he is nothing more than a buddy, you would even put money on it … but really he is just too soft let his intentions known. Women love attention, time, emotions, and all that soft mushy stuff. This sucker thinks if he provides them to you long enough, he will eventually win your heart … but this poor chump is mistaken.

As a case study, I will use the #1 FAB of all time … Steve Urkel. Actually, he had a step up on a lot of these “new age FABs” … because he was quick to tell Laura he loved her. There was no doubt in her mind. In Laura’s case, she decided to continue treating Steve as a friend. Maybe she thought if she acted like it and believed hard enough … Steve would eventually give up his infatuation and become nothing more than a friend. Poor Steve.

I plea with any woman reading this … please let these poor guys go. Let them move on and actually pursue someone who likes them back. The primary excuse given to me by females when presented with this is “I can’t control him. If he wants to mow my lawn and take out my trash … that's on him. He should know I’m not interested”. But the thing you fail to realize is … this poor guy is incapable of letting go.

As a guy, deciphering a woman’s real feelings towards you is a science. Yes, there are still some good honest women who just want to find a good man, don’t play games, and know how to treat a man. They are the ones you want to marry, mother your children, and spend all your time and energy on … and they deserve it.

Sadly, a large portion of the female population aren’t quite as perfect. Its easy that the girl your talking to or spending time and money on doesn’t really like you, but just wants attention, your money, or a FAB (fake ass bboyfriend, I'll discuss this later). I touched on this before with Indicators of Interest, but this is the cheat sheet. Its important to weed them out, so here are 5 little tips to help weed them out.

She Actually Calls You Without Asking for Something

Women hate calling men they don’t like. Its a waste of time for them, and the whole time they will be rolling their eyes as you talk and thinking “why am I on the phone”. They will seem distant and uninterested. And if every call is just to set up a date at a restaurant or to ask for money or gifts, leave her alone, she's not for you! Turn and run completely!

On the flip side, if she really likes you (and is mature), she will want to talk to you and return your calls and even initiate a conversation. If her number never comes up on your phone … think about it.

She Pays for Something … Anything

If she is just looking to use you, she will not pay for anything. Also, paying for a man is like a cardinal sin for 90% of women. It doesn’t have to be significant or major, even if its the popcorn and drinks at the movies, it is significant. If she offers to buy you dinner, then rest easy my friend … she likes you.

She Invites You Over to Spend the Night

You might have sex with her this time, but that's okay (I'm not judging). A woman (and most men) don’t want some stranger they don’t like in their house, so if your invited in that means something. If you are invited over and then told to spend the night (in the same room), there is a chance that she likes you. Someone who doesn’t want you in their living space and always wants to meet at Ruth’s Chris (or some equally pricey restaurant or bar) … is probably playing you. Drop her.

She Does Something She Knows Only You Will Like

This is basic and gender neutral, but very significant when done by a woman for a man. A woman is not going to waste her time actual listening to your likes and interests if she does not like you … let alone actually act on them. If she takes to time to buy, arrange, plan, or just find that one thing that is particular to you … good chance she likes you. It also counts if its something that all guys like, but most women hate ( like that threesome you always wanted).

She Leans In to Kiss You

Very Significant! A woman kissing you is by itself is a sign, because while we think “would I sleep with her” … women think “would I kiss him”. But don’t be fooled, you can surprise her and she may kiss you back out of a feeling of commitment or obligation. If you lean in, but not all the way … and she comes towards you to kiss you … that's powerful. That means she wants to kiss you, and likes you enough to actually come to you.

This one is for the guys. Take these … use them … and feel free to add, argue, on anything I have to say … but at the end of the day … if she shows all 5 … 95% she actually likes you and isn’t trying to play you.