The Makings of a Man

“I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! My entire body is hairless.” – Kim Kardashian.

Class, the professor has left for a couple days. That's right I'm taking a brief trip to the beach. Boy, there are still some nice looking bodies down here for it to be early September. And this Mike's Hard Lemonade is tasting quite right as I type this post. But anywho, let's get back to your lesson.

Let's open with a moment of silence, please. With the above quote from Kim Kardashian, I think every man went to a place called his Picture-in-Picture, also known as the PIP. (The PIP is located in the corner of one’s imagination. Have you ever said something to someone and they dazed off into space as if they were looking at something, but you couldn’t see it? They might stare up and to the right, or down and to the left.)

“It’s sort of like a peach picked fresh from the tree after being watered. There are a few droplets of water on this peach, barely noticeable fuzz, but damn I want to eat it.” – Dr. Q.N. Gardner, Esq.

[Looks around… notices that there are other people in the room.]

The first “peach” I ever saw was more like a kiwi, not a coconut. But it was the first coconut I ever seen so what, I didn’t know any better. They told me the good stuff was on the inside. And that’s pretty much how things went from the first time you saw a girl’s private regions until sometime in high school if you were lucky.

I remember my freshman in college, I decided to skip school and go with some upperclassmen to a local lake. As we hung out in the parking lot, some folks smoked weed and others drank beers, women running around in the sand with bikinis, there happened to be an opportunity for me to be silly. As my friend ran past me, my hand reached for her waist and all I got was the string of her bikini and I pulled…

I caught a quick glimpse and I thought, “Is she a Playboy model?” After all, that was the only place I’d ever seen a woman without hair up until this point. You never really get it the first time, it’s only after a few experiences with the trim, shave or wax that you understand that it’s essential that a woman keep the grass cut. Who knew, that growing up we would say, “If there’s grass on the field it’s time to play,” but as we got older that changed to, “I love hockey!” But women want to know why; they want to know what it is about a woman with no hair that turns me on.

I did a little research and came across what is called, “sexual dimorphism.” Simply put, genders are attracted to traits that distinguish the genders. Men are attracted to large breasts, slim waists. Women are attracted to large muscles, a v-shaped body shape, and strong facial features. That’s a damn good reason to me.

I’ll tell you a secret, that wasn’t an 18-year old freshman male who came up with that. I’ll tell you what we came up with in Freshman Seminar; “becasue it's sexy of course!” When a man pulls off a woman’s panties he doesn’t want to feel like he'll undergo an encounter with Bambi and his mother to get to the goods. And given the option of meeting Bambi or sliding across an ice rink, he’s going to choose the latter. There’s also a hygiene factor, (which does not just apply to women), we’re going to make that area wet, and when that wetness gets caught in such a thicket, it has an odor. Logistically speaking, is it easier to slice through a stick of butter with the wrapper on or off? I guess it depends on how sharp your knife is.

Let me stop, I understand how women feel because they don’t want to look like a 12-year old girl. But I know you’re not a 12 year old girl! That’s why you have to request identification (that is unless you're Robert Kelly or perhaps he asks for ID, who knows). I know in the winter it gets cold and you need an extra blanket to keep you warm. As a man, it’s always winter-time, you don’t see me keeping a blanket of loose women around to keep me warm.

And by all means, if you don’t want to do anything about the region that is your decision and no one should make you change that. Just know that there’s a line of women making appointments with their esthetician this weekend, so technically we don’t have to accept nothing less than perfection. (Let me be honest with you, a man will sleep with you even though you haven’t shaved. “would you sleep with?” and “what do you prefer?” are mutually exclusive questions and do not disclaim information to each other.)

Some minor administrative notes:

* I find landing strips to be confusing. It’s like, why would you come to Miami to hang out in Ft. Lauderdale. If were going to be here, we might as well be here. Whenever I see it, I look at its like a UFO hovering over the White House. I’d be like, “What are you doing here?”

* Bedazzled is cool. No really. What? That’s like the apex of hair removal.

* Shapes and letters are a close second and third.

* The following is non-negotiable, shave/wax your; legs, underarms, mustache, back and any other regions where unsightly hair grows. (You’d be surprised.)

 * If you’re 30 years old and you haven’t seen a nectarine yet, you’ve been having sex with men. I’m so very disappointed. In other news, Dania Ramirez, ladies and gentlemen!

What do you think Makings of a Man massive? Trim, Shave or Wax? Do you have a friend who refuses to do anything with the region and it annoys you? Fellas, be honest, what do you prefer? I know some of you come on here with those self-preservation comments, but keep it real for today.